Fear of Commitment

At the moment, I am staring at about four open notebooks and five to do lists in various forms of digital apps, post-it notes, and Self-Journal planners. I'm also staring at a pizza I just devoured-by myself at 8 pm in the office, three half-drunk cups of coffee, and the Oonagh Oracle card appearing frequently and reminding me that Easy Does It.

I'm not sure what to make of any of it, and I'm running out of time to make anything happen.

I'm working late, because I need quiet headspace to accomplish all the BIG things and yet I'm so lost in all the BIG things I have to do, I don't know where to begin. I'm not actually accomplishing anything. 

It's certainly not for lack of trying. Or enthusiasm.

I start making edits to the pitch deck my talented partner put her blood sweat and tears into but every time I start, I start to hear the running dialogue in my head that our revenue stream isn't clear enough or our growth is good but not off the charts or who am I to really build this?

I then start to write the script for my Mass Challenge Accelerator Program application and run out of words when the worry that I'm not saying enough or giving away too much or really not worthy of putting us in to the running in the first place rushes in. 

So I spin around to the sticky notes on the wall, plotting out the tour road crew, who's driving the bus and being my wingwoman when, and I move them around but soon get lost around New York City, when all I can do is imagine the nightmare that is navigating and parking. 

I am finding that the closer I get to the tour - or the pitch for funding, or the deadline for the application or the due date for the article - the less I can commit. 

The higher the stakes, the deeper my doubt. The more it matters, the less I'm able to lean in.

I'm paralyzed these days by a fear of commitment. 

But why? The truth is, the very things I am so panicky to avoid are actually the things I love the most. I love to go all in. I love it when the answer isn't clear and it takes some digging. I thrive off a tight deadline; I get energy highs off building a good story-driven deck; I'm a sucker for creating order from chaos with just a stack of colored post-it notes. 

So why, now, is it so hard to commit?

Maybe it's because the stakes feel even higher and the amount of asks on my plate really are bigger or the timeline to accomplish things is ever-shrinking. Maybe it's because the projects mean so much to me - and to others.

Maybe it's because of those three half-full cups of coffee.

Whatever the reason, as I ping pong between the lists and the writings, I'm attempting to take the advice of W.H.Murray, the explorer whose quote appeared just this week on my "You are a Badass" calendar:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitiancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. The moment one definitely commits one self, then providence moves too.”

Always ineffectiveness, don't I know it. 

So here it is, the goal for me and for this project on this late evening and all the way through: